This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
