I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
