Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
