Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
