all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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