lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
