He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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