no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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