Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
