I wish my penis had an off switch
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We just shotgunned beers for America
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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