I haven't been this sober since birth.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
