Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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