he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize