Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
