I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize