i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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