I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize