Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize