I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
