If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
