Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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