I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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