That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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