i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
