my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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