There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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