Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize