Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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