1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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