Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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