I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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