So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
