i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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