I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
