bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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