So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
