Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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