There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Drunk is not a location!
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