Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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