bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
