I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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