I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
