don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
