if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
