your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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