I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
