im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
