Soap is not a condiment
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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