I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize