i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ruined the universe
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize