Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
