I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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