They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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