At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
