I want to have your abortion
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
